Friday, March 29, 2013

How to become a Cheer Loser

I was digging through some old cheer files and found this humorous article and thought I should share it with you!

Is your goal to be a Cheer Loser? Would you like to disgrace the activity of cheerleading forever? Do you want to be kicked off the squad? Is your dream to be attacked by a mob of angry, hard-working Cheerleaders? Here's how to do it.
1. Have an attitude problem
Be sure to act like everyone ELSE has a problem and not you. Yell at the coach. Refuse to comply with rules. Show up late to practice every day. Wear lots of jewelry, and refuse to work too hard because you might break a nail.
2. Ignore criticism
Why would people be criticizing you? You're perfect just the way you are! So don't listen to a word the coach or your teammates say. Your way is the best way. Be sure to criticize others, though. This especially works when you criticize someone for something you can't do.
3. Think you're better than everyone else
Of course YOU'RE better than anyone who is not a cheerleader, after all, you get to prance around in a short skirt. Stick your nose way up high in the air and scoff at those girls who didn't make the team.
4. Be a show-off
Practice all your cute, snappy cheers in public. At the mall, at parties, even at McDonald's  Of course everyone around you is interested in your latest Touchdown cheer! Talk about cheerleading practice in a loud voice. Oh, and if you can wear your full uniform around, that makes it even better.
5. Say bad things about your team members behind their backs
Saying bad things about your teammates makes YOU look better! Be sure to spread around lots of true and untrue stories, but make sure you always end up sounding like the star. If you can get a few of your teammates in tears, then you know you did a good job.
6. Loaf around at practice
What do you need to practice for? All you need to do is look cute on the sidelines. So skip the sit-ups, the push-ups and the stretching. Practice time could be better spent doing each other's hair and spiffing up the uniforms.
7. Fulfill all the cheerleading stereotypes
Make Britney Spears proud! Show off your belly with some super tight low-slung jeans and a bathing-suit top. Roll the top of your cheerleading skirt up so it's shorter. Act like a total ditz. Wear heavy makeup and kiss as many guys as you can. Who needs a good reputation?
8. Kiss up to the coach
Hey, you're not the star of the team so you gotta stay on somehow! The best way to do this is to kiss up to the coach! Offer to help her grade papers, carry groceries, even follow her home and do her laundry! Compliment the coach on every decision she makes. Tell her bad things about the other girls on the team. Oh, and it doesn't hurt to kiss up to the captain either.
9. Buy all the Cheerleading stuff you can
Load up on everything with the world "cheerleader" on it so everyone knows that you're a cheerleader. Buy pom-pons and hang them off your backpack. Buy dozens and dozens of shirts with megaphones on them and wear them everywhere. Wear your cheerleading jacket over your pajamas. Buy cheerleader-style skirts. Make sure your pens and notebooks say "Spirit Leader" all over them. Once people know you're a cheerleader, they're sure to think you're super-cool.
10. Aim for bad grades
Don't spend any time studying. Instead, talk on the phone and party with your friends. Instead of reviewing for the Constitution test, practice your homecoming queen acceptance speech. Who needs school? While all of your friends are off at college, cheering on the college squads and getting a degree, you can be working on your Burger King smile! Charm and good looks will be enough to get you at least $5.15 an hour!

If you do 1 to 3 of these things, you're on your way to being a Cheer Loser! You'll be despised by all self-respecting, hardworking cheerleaders! If you do 4-6 of these things you're already halfway to Loserdom and you don't have much further to go! If you do 7-9 of these things you're a Cheer Loser Diva and you're one step away from kissing your cheerleading career goodbye. If you do all 10, congratulations! You've just been kicked off the squad!
Author: Sunni Schulz Pieschala
Published on: June 11, 2004

*\o/* CW3

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